Ataru's Christmas Carol
by andyjay18
Summary: It's Dickens meets Takahashi as Ataru learns the errors of his ways from some rather familiar
1. Default Chapter

ATARU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL  
  
An "Urusei Yatsura" fanfic by Andrew D. Johnson  
  
Disclaimer: None of the following characters are my creations. Therefore, this isn't my fault. At least I don't think so. I'm no legal expert.  
  
Christmas Eve in Tomobiki… Snow was falling, families were spending time with relatives, lovers were smooching under the mistletoe, and a certain lecherous teenage boy named Ataru Moroboshi was dressed in a Santa suit and fake-looking beard, ringing a bell so he could supposedly raise money for the poor. Of course, he was actually raising money to buy a saucy negligee for the cute girl working at the cash register of the department store across the way. "Ho ho ho!" he called out. "Show how generous you are this holiday season! Give so that others may have a merry Christmas!" Especially me, he thought, grinning.  
  
"Ataru?" said a familiar voice. His eyes widened and his back stiffened. It was Shinobu! If she blew his cover, she'd probably tell his parents and even Lum, and then he'd be in real trouble. "What are you doing here? Are you really raising money for the poor?"  
  
Ataru tried his best to hide behind his beard, staring blankly into space. "Ho ho ho, little missy," he boomed in the best Santa voice he could muster. "I don't know who this Ataru fellow is, but I sure hope he's been a good little boy this year, ho ho ho!"  
  
Shinobu rolled her eyes. "You're not fooling anyone, Ataru. I can see through that beard like a window." She unceremoniously grabbed it and yanked it down, leaving the perverted lech standing there with a beet-red face.  
  
"Okay, Shinobu, look, I can explain…"  
  
"Yeah? Explain this, you jerk!" she angrily huffed, pulling several lingerie catalogs out of the backpack next to him. And as Ataru's perpetual bad luck would have it, at that very moment Lum flew up in her tiger-striped winter clothes.  
  
"Darling, your mom told me you'd gone out to work for the Redemption Army, t'cha, and….DARLING!!!! What the HELL are you doing with that filth, t'cha?"  
  
Shinobu sternly pointed across the mall corridor to the department store, where the pretty young salesgirl was handling people's purchases.  
  
"So that's it!!" Lum growled. "It's bad enough that you're buying lingerie for every girl in town except me, but the fact that you're pretending to raise money for the poor makes me SO MAD!!! Eat lightning, t'cha!" And she then unfurled her arms and let fly another electric storm, knocking out Ataru the womanizer. With his suit charred and his beard frizzy like a soldier's buzz cut, Lum dragged her unfortunate beau back home. "Now let's go home. Your mom's serving Christmas dinner, t'cha." As she dragged his smoking, unconcious body away, Shinobu rolled her eyes again in disgust. What the heck did I ever see in him, she asked herself.  
  
The Moroboshi family had gathered around the dinner table for a delectable Christmas dinner of tempura, sashimi, and gyoza, with horseradish in place of garlic for Lum's sake. Of course Lum and Ten were also present, with Lum seated next to her "Darling" and her usual ditzy look on her face. Ten of course had a close eye on Ataru, to make sure that perv didn't try anything funny with his innocent cousin. "We're very glad you two could be present with us for Christmas dinner," Mrs. Moroboshi announced. "I'm sorry the food couldn't be any better, but…"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," muttered Ataru's henpecked dad. "It was all we could afford on your lousy, lazy husband's meager salary! I just can't do anything right, now can I, honey?"  
  
"Oh, just be quiet and let's just try to get through this," snapped Mrs. Moroboshi. "Now before we begin, would anyone like to make a toast, or wishes for the New Year?"  
  
"I would!" Lum joyously offered. Ataru's parents smiled and sat upright for attention, while the hapless boy groaned and put his face in his right hand. "I wrote a poem for this occasion, commemorating all the time we've spent together." She cleared her throat and then began reading.  
  
"Though you always run away  
  
I'll always be by your side.  
  
You've brought me up and let me down  
  
And crushed this heart of mine.  
  
But I will always love you  
  
No matter what you do.  
  
If you're sent up the river  
  
I'll float alongside too.  
  
We'll always be together, my Darling  
  
Until the end of time.  
  
You'll never get away from me  
  
You always will stay mine."  
  
"Bravo!" cheered Mrs. Moroboshi, as she and her husband applauded Lum's labor of love. Ataru, however, was fighting the dry heaves. "How kawaii!"  
  
"Thank you," answered the demure alien, bowing with pride. "And to ensure that my poem stays true to its word, I got these as an early present. Merry Christmas, Darling!" She then pulled from her cleavage a small, black, felt-lined box and opened it. Inside were two gleaming silver rings. Ataru's parents and Ten gasped, and Ataru himself felt like he would puke. "They're engagement rings, Darling!" Lum cooed. "And I got them custom-made on my home planet. See, they have our initials!" To his horror, one ring sure enough had his English initials-AM, and the other had LM-LUM MOROBOSHI!  
  
"Oh, they're gorgeous!" gasped Mrs. Moroboshi. She then looked darkly at the man of the house. "Of course, all my miserable oaf of a husband could afford for my engagement ring was a cubic zirconia." Mr. Moroboshi could only bear a "Just-get-me-through-this" look on his face as she said that, then spoke up.  
  
"Y-yeah, son, go get 'em. Of course, it should have been you proposing to Lum-no real man would let the lady take the upper hand in a case like this-but, as long as she gets you the heck out of my house, then, congratulations!  
  
Ten burst into laughter at Mr. Moroboshi's comment. "Good point about how a real man would do the proposing! But I guess that wouldn't apply to your kid!" The two rolled on the floor laughing before pausing to high-five each other.  
  
Even Ataru's mom was hysterical. "Oh my…I always wanted a girl. I guess you'll just have to do…Ha ha ha ha!!!"  
  
Lum giggled a little, then turned to her unwilling boytoy. "So Darling, will you marry me once we get out of high school?" It was right then and there, watching his parents and Lum's bratty cousin rolling on the floor laughing at how that damned alien had embarrassed him, that Ataru simply couldn't take it any more.  
  
"NOOOOOO!!!!!" he bellowed. "I will never marry you, you space freak! I don't even like spending time with you! I want you out of my life NOW!!!!"  
  
To his surprise, Lum didn't let fly another shower of electric bolts at him. Instead she just sat there with a hurt look on her face. Her lower lip trembled, and Ataru could see some tears streaming down her cheek. "D-do you really mean that, Darling?" she asked, her voice cracking. "I thought you said you were going to marry me, a-after the tag game."  
  
"No, I didn't mean that," Ataru huffed. "Shinobu told me she would marry me if I tagged you! I never meant that I would marry you!"  
  
Lum gritted her teeth to stop herself from bursting into tears. "Y-y- you mean you NEVER loved me, Darling? W-why not?"  
  
Ataru's tone and facial expression turned downright fierce. "I'll tell you why not! Because you're loud, bossy, overbearing, pushy, possessive, obsessive, immature, and just plain annoying! Plus, I've never liked your habit of zapping me with lightning whenever I even glance at another girl!" He rose up out of his chair and announced to his family, "My New Year's wish is for you to just get the hell out of my life! Forever!"  
  
Lum couldn't hold back anymore. "V-very well, Darling. I-I-if that's what you want, then so be it. I'll leave tomorrow. Merry Christmas." With that she began crying heartily, and flew out the window to her spaceship.  
  
Ataru grunted and solemnly sat down to his meal. But his parents were glaring angrily at him. "Don't you think you were rather rough on her?" asked his mom. "Loud and overbearing or not, she was such a sweet girl who really cared for you. Didn't you see the way she broke down crying when you yelled at her like that?"  
  
"Sweet? Ha!" Ataru snorted. "If she was such a sweet, innocent creature, why did she always fry me alive whenever she got mad at me? What about all those dirty tricks she played on me to keep me in the palm of her hand, like the magnetic lipstick, or the time she dressed up as Miss Snow Queen just so she could sneak a kiss on me? Or how that dopey lummox Rei, who she should be marrying anyway, and how he followed her here and now wants to kill me? Ever since she first arrived here, my life has been a living hell! So I don't want anything to do with her!"  
  
"Hey, whether or not you two got along, she was still your ticket out of here!" snapped Ataru's dad. "And now that you dumped her…Let's just say this, son! If you aren't out of here by the end of next year, we're making you a courier!"  
  
"Hey, look, a man can only take so much!" Ataru yelled back. "And with that Oni bitch at your side, your limits aren't very high!" He sighed; the arguing had exhausted him. "Ahh, I'm going to bed," he grumbled. "See you people in the morning."  
  
"Merry Christmas," his parents answered in an unenthusiastic tone.  
  
"Phooey," Ataru muttered as he lay restlessly in his bed. "Who are those jerks downstairs to tell me who to love? Dammit, I just don't have any romance for that Oni bitch! The only feelings I have for her are frustration and annoyance! And what's wrong with being a polygamist? All the greatest emperors in feudal Japan and China had concubines! And King Henry the Eighth of England-he had like eight wives. Hee hee, one for each Henry," he laughed. Just then he heard something like the wind through bare tree limbs. "Hey, what was that?" he gasped.  
  
The sound seemed to grow louder, developing from a rustling sound into something like that of a woman weeping. Oh great, he thought. She's probably outside my window, begging to be let in like a stray dog. Ataru was about to get up and go to the window to tell Lum to get lost when a cloud suddenly materialized in front of his bed. Then, over a few seconds, it took the shape of a melancholy young woman, with long, flowing black hair, a white gown, and tears streaming down her beautiful face. Ataru recognized her immediately. "Tama!" he gasped, rushing over to wrap his arms around her. "You've come to see my place! So I guess that old lodge was a bit too ratty and mildewy for you, eh? Well, don't be shy, make yourself at home and-"  
  
Tama stopped crying for a bit and turned to him. "No, Ataru Moroboshi, I'm not here to stay, I'm here on a mission."  
  
"A mission from God?" he asked.  
  
"How did you guess?" Tama answered. "Anyway, we in Heaven saw your treatment of a girl who no doubt was very much in love with you. Ataru, you don't seem to realize how powerful emotions, especially love, really are. If rejected, love can kill a person. I know this for a fact because (sob) I am the victim of a broken heart, a woman who yearned for a certain man but did not see it returned. I literally saw no…reason for living; I simply wanted to die. And that is why I am a ghost now, doomed to forever wander the earth and tell people of my fate." With tears streaming down her face again, and her voice racked with sobs, she turned to Ataru. "Would you want Lum to die of a broken heart?"  
  
"Well, I probably wouldn't mind it, just as long as she's out of my hair…" He stopped to think about the question for a bit. "No, I wouldn't want Lum dead."  
  
"I see you have some compassion for others left in you," Tama continued. "Perhaps there may be some hope for you yet. Tonight three spirits will visit you, to help show you the error of your ways…"  
  
"Hey wait a minute," Ataru scoffed. "I see where this is going! This is turning into yet another corny rip-off of A Christmas Carol! Jeez, I must've seen about fifteen bad retellings of that tired old story in my life! Why can't Kami-sama come up with something more imaginative if He wants to teach me a lesson?"  
  
"Two reasons: One; overdone it may be, but that story still does offer a good moral lesson that makes as much sense today as it did in Dickens' time. Two; the author of this story was obviously lazy and just decided to rip off two popular fictional creations."  
  
" 'Author?' What the heck are you talking about?" gasped Ataru, flabbergasted. "Are you saying we're just fictional characters in a book?"  
  
"Oh no, no, no," Tama laughed. It was the first time he'd seen her display any emotion besides melancholy. "That's just another slang term I use for God. You know, the Great Author, the 'writer' of all."  
  
"Wow. The universe works in such mysterious ways," Ataru prattled.  
  
"You got that right," answered Tama. "Well, you seem to know how this is going to go. Pleasant dreams." She then faded out. 


	2. Chapter 2

ATARU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL-Chapter Two  
  
Disclaimer: These characters are the properties of Rumiko Takahashi and Kosuke Fujishima, and the basic plot came from Charles Dickens, so please send your lynch mobs to them if you didn't like this story. Oh yeah, Charles Dickens is dead. Well, go find the executor of his estate. They probably have pretty deep pockets.  
  
Ataru was having the best dream of his life. He had finally attained his lifelong dream of being master of his very own harem! All the girls he lusted over were there and in skimpy "Arabian Nights"-style fan dancer costumes-Shinobu, Sakura, Benten, Oyuki, Ran, even Tama the ghostly maiden and that airhead who worked at the florist. And best of all, Lum was nowhere in sight. Sakura turned away sadly from the portrait of her long- lost uncle Cherry, and strode seductively up to Ataru, who was perched on a throne in a turban and sultan's robes. "Ataru," she breathed, just slightly above audible level. "I want your nuts."  
  
His heart soared into overdrive, and he could feel himself break into an anxious sweat. "Y-you really mean it?" he quavered. "Omigaw! Do you know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that?" With an intoxicated, wanton grin on his face, he leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, "Y'know, I always thought you were the prettiest girl in Tomobiki. All these other women are hags compared with the goddess that could only be you. Maybe it's just the opium talking, but I always thought…"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, quit talking, let's get down to business now. I want your nuts, Ataru Moroboshi."  
  
"Oh yeah baby! Bring it ohn!"  
  
"Oh Ataru,"  
  
"C'mon hon-ay! Give it to me!"  
  
"Ataru…"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Wake up!" a husky female voice shouted, shaking him on the back of the head and jarring the horny teenage boy awake.  
  
Ataru lay there for a bit, in a rather compromising position with his pillow. "Aww crap!" he muttered. "I was about to do it with Sakura! I mean, I know it was just a dream, but…Gahh!" He turned around and was at first shocked at what lay before his eyes, but then grew quite glad he was awake now. For here, floating above his bed in a lying-down position, was perhaps the hottest girl he had ever seen, maybe even more so than Sakura. She had quite a full figure, loosely clothed in a strange white robe lined with blue and orange triangles. Her skin, much of which could be seen, was deeply bronze-tanned, even her breasts, which could only be described as…mountainous. Her hair was a strange bleached white color, and her angular facial features oozed a come-hither look. She wore a crafty, almost foxlike smile. "Oh my god," Ataru gasped, a trickle of blood dripping from his nose. "I never realized ghosts were all so hot! I thought Heaven was all old people." He sat up, his eyes riveted on her…spacious chest. "So, I guess you're the Ghost of Christmas Bust-I mean Christmas Past."  
  
"Actually," the strange woman began, "the name's Urd, Goddess of the Past and Love, Second Class, Limited. My card." She pulled from her pocket a billfold containing an ID card bearing her aforementioned certifications. "Kami-sama originally tried to assign three spirits to take care of this, but seeing as it's Christmas Eve, things are a little tied up." She glared a trifle sourly at him. "So listen kiddo, you better make this worth my missing the Heaven Christmas party. At least try to get something worthwhile out of this."  
  
"Oh, don't worry about that," Ataru said, drooling.  
  
"Oh, by the way," Urd continued, "I'd like your nuts before we leave."  
  
Blood poured from Ataru's nose like a faucet. "Say what?"  
  
"I said I'd like your nuts. You haven't eaten them." She gestured to a bag of honey-roasted peanuts on Ataru's bedside table. "Oh, and I might as well patch up that nosebleed, even though it's pretty much all your fault. Smegma! Spasmodic! Frog! Waderp!" she chanted. A puff of pink smoke erupted, and when it cleared, Ataru had transformed into a panda bear, holding up a sign reading, "You're more of a quack than Sakura."  
  
"Whoops, sorry," Urd apologized, trying hard not to laugh. "Poiuyt! Potrzebie! Furshlugginer! Wassamottayu!" This time Ataru transformed into a gray flying squirrel with a blue aviator's hat.  
  
"This isn't funny!" he shouted in a high voice.  
  
"Okay, let's try this again," Urd grumbled. "Dammit, I wish my little sister were here. She's the expert with healing spells. Okay…Yentl! Snuh! Bort! Spozda!"  
  
This time Ataru was transformed back to his old self, albeit still with the nosebleed. "I guess this'll have to do for now," Urd sighed, slapping a Band-Aid on his nose. "Now come with me."  
  
"Hey," muttered Ataru, as Urd led him to the window. "How come no one here's talking to Mendo? He's as much of a polygamist perv as me!"  
  
"Actually," Urd answered, "we've already got three ghosts talking to him right now. Kami-sama says he's as difficult as you. But right now the subject is you, not Mendo. So now, let's get down to business." She opened her palm on Ataru's TV set, which suddenly flipped on. She then flipped through channels for a bit before reaching the last station the Moroboshi's antenna could receive. When the screen started just showing black and white "snow", Urd suddenly jutted her left pinkie upward. The screen then focused on a familiar-looking house—Shinobu's house to be precise. "Now come along with me, kiddo," she motioned. "We're gonna do a little time-traveling."  
  
"Oh no, not this again! Last time I did this, Lum sent me back to the Jurassic!"  
  
"Well, don't worry, Kami-sama didn't make me Goddess of the Past Second Class for nothing! She's just a mere mortal; they can't handle time travel that well. But my domain is the past, so don't you worry. Let's go!" Before Ataru could do anything, Urd seized his hand (her grip was surprisingly strong) and dragged him through the screen.  
  
They were now floating in the air outside the Miyake home. Yet something about it looked different. The plum tree Shinobu's dad had planted in the backyard was still just a sapling, and they still seemed to have that old kiddie pool there too. Ataru also seemed to be flying in the air, which rather took him by surprise. "Hey, what's going on?" he gasped. "Why am I flying? And can't people see us like this? And why does Shinobu's home look different?"  
  
"Well first of all," explained Urd, "I removed your spirit from your body for this journey. I guess it's sort of like what you mortals would call an out-of-body experience. But don't worry, we're both invisible, and gravity also has no effect on us in this state. You should be fine when I take you back home." Ataru didn't exactly like the way she said "should be". "And right now, the time is 10 years ago; the occasion, Shinobu's 6th birthday party. You're about to see one of the earliest, and lowliest examples of your lechery and troubled personality."  
  
Ataru wasn't quite sure what she was talking about. 10 years ago was a really long time; what the heck had he done so bad on that day that it had gone on his "permanent record"? Now that he thought about it, he could vaguely remember getting in a lot of trouble that day, but what exactly was it? "C'mon, let's not waste time," Urd called, leading him down into the house.  
  
Ataru almost had to laugh when he saw himself and all his other friends, Megane, Chibi, Paama, and even Mendo, plus all of Shinobu's girlfriends gamboling in the living room in their cutesy little first grade uniforms from Takahashi Primary School. "Oh man!" he chuckled, his eyes watering with mirth, "We looked like such wieners back then!"  
  
"Shh, quiet now," Urd hushed. "The fun's about to begin."  
  
"Can I have your attention, please?" announced Mrs. Miyake. Everyone in the room continued babbling and playing games. "Hello, can I have your attention, please?" But everyone kept on ignoring her. "BE QUIET NOW OR NO ONE GETS ANY CAKE!!!!" Everyone shut up right away. Ataru could certainly see where Shinobu got her temper from. Mrs. Miyake cleared her throat, then announced, "And now, proudly celebrating her 6th birthday today, is the star of this party, Shinobu Miyake, now proudly displaying the very family kimono which my grandmother knitted for her daughter's 6th birthday, symbolizing her passage into grade school!" Her mom then opened the door of her room, and out strode the little girl. Even at age 6 she looked like she would one day be quite a dish. As soon as she saw her beau Ataru there in the living room, her face sprouted into a huge smile. "Ataru-chan!" she gasped, eagerly running down to him and planting a kiss on his cheek.  
  
Now Ataru remembered something. "She was the first girl to kiss me."  
  
"Well see, your memory isn't all blank," Urd reassured him. "But trust me, it gets better."  
  
Ataru, even while Shinobu planted a juicy one on his cheek, was gazing lustily at Mrs. Miyake's chest, trying to mentally undress her through her kimono. Of course Shinobu then noticed this, and smacked him upside the head. "You stop looking at my mommy that way!" she commanded. "Now let's go to the den and play Spin the Bottle," she cooed with a slightly devilish grin.  
  
"Can I be the first spinner, oh future heiress to my family's great industrial empire?" requested Mendo. He always did have quite a vocabulary, the rich bastard. But just then the doorbell rang. Mrs. Miyake answered it.  
  
"Hello, this is Birthdays Unlimited Catering Services. Are you Kikuko Miyake? I've got an order for a five-layer angel food birthday cake." A rather familiar yet not quite placeable female voice was saying that.  
  
"Yes, this is she. I'll help you bring that in." And Mrs. Miyake helped lift the front end of the catering cart over the threshold ledge and into the house. Pushing at the other end was none other than Sakura! Her hair was a bit shorter, and she wore the uniform for Tomobiki High School rather than her familiar priestess robes, but she still looked as mature and sexy as ever. That was right; Ataru remembered Cherry once telling him how she had worked as a caterer during high school to support her tuition for the Shinto priesthood studies. And of course the young Ataru Moroboshi was as riveted then as he would be a decade later. While Shinobu tried to herd everyone into the den to play Spin the Bottle, Ataru snuck up to the young sorceress-to-be. His hands opened wide, he was about to grab himself a fistful of rump flesh when suddenly the top of the cake burst open! Everyone screamed and jumped back as a certain bald, Buddhist monk with a face only a mother could love leapt out of it. Cherry! Casting his normal bullfrog frown at young Ataru, he pointed an accusing finger and boomed, "Great doom and ill karma shall follow you if you touch my niece! Also probably a sexual harassment suit! Hmm, nice cake, don't mind if I do." He then pulled an ice cream scooper out of nowhere and began digging out hunks of pastry and flinging them into his wide gullet.  
  
Mrs. Miyake was still stunned. "Wh-where did he come from?"  
  
Sakura sighed with annoyance. "I don't know and I don't think I want to either. Some things are better left unsaid."  
  
"Oh by the way," Shinobu's mom continued. "I hate to be a bother, but some errands just came up, and my husband is still at work. Do you think you could watch the kids until I get back? It'll only be about 45 minutes at the most."  
  
"Sure," Sakura offered. "That was my last delivery of the day anyway."  
  
"Okay," Mrs. Miyake responded. "Take care." She then whispered in Sakura's ear, "Just watch out for the Moroboshi kid there."  
  
"Oh believe me, I know," Sakura scoffed. "That kid's famous around here; they call him the 'snapping turtle'."  
  
As Shinobu's mom left, Ataru and Mendo both stared, drooling, at their hot-to-trot babysitter. "I'm gonna marry her someday," Mendo boasted.  
  
"No, I'm gonna marry her-after I take her out on a hot date tonight."  
  
"Shinobu's already your girlfriend! Why don't you stick with her?"  
  
"Well, your dad already arranged for you to marry that weird rich chick who lives in the mountains!"  
  
"I've never even gotten the chance to meet her! Sakura's the one for me!"  
  
"No, she's for ME!"  
  
"You're both wrong!" snapped Shinobu, who had unfortunately caught part of their conversation. "You're gonna marry ME, Ataru Moroboshi! C'mon, we're playing Spin the Bottle whether you guys like it or not!" As she dragged them both off towards the den, Mendo stuck out his tongue at Ataru. The young lech then decided he would get back at him-and try to get Shinobu out of the picture so he could be alone with Sakura, at least for a little while.  
  
"Hey, I've got a better idea for a game! It's called 'Stealth'!"  
  
"What is it?" asked Mendo.  
  
"It's kind of like tag and hide and seek put together. It's way more fun than Spin the Bottle!"  
  
"Well, I wanna play Spin the Bottle!" Shinobu argued. They eventually decided to put it to a vote, and in the end Stealth won out by one vote. Mainly because Ataru illegally raised both his arms, but poor Shinobu didn't notice that.  
  
In the game of Stealth, the "it" player has to cover their eyes and count to twenty, while the players run off to various hiding places a la hide and seek. But when the "it" player finds a hider, they have to chase the hiders back to the starting point, trying to tag them. If the "it" tags a hider, that hider becomes "it" and must go through the humiliation of trying to tag other hiders. Shinobu was the first "it", and Ataru and Mendo both hid together as part of Ataru's crafty plan.  
  
"Eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" Shinobu announced. It was perfect. Sakura was now in the kitchen, working on a new cake to replace the one Cherry had eaten. All Ataru needed to do now to be alone with her was to set the ball rolling…now. As Shinobu walked past the broom closet where Ataru and Mendo were hiding, Ataru faked a sneeze. She then threw open the door. "Aha! Found you!" The two first- grade boys then started running, with Shinobu hot on their heels. Barely able to contain himself, Ataru led them by the door to the basement… He then purposely slowed down to let Shinobu catch up, then with all his might shoved her and Mendo through the partially open door. There was a screaming and tumbling as both fell down the steps, and then Ataru slammed the door. He then pulled a nearby file cabinet and large chair to block the door from being opened. Yes! Now the two greatest obstacles between him and Sakura were securely trapped in the basement! The little boy wickedly snickered as he heard their tormented pleas.  
  
"Ataru! Th-th-there's all sorts of creepy shadows and stuff down here! I can't see anything! Lemme out! Lemme out!"  
  
"Oh no," groaned Shinobu's voice. "Ataru, please lemme out! I gotta go to the bathroom!"  
  
"Ha ha ha!" laughed the older Ataru, watching it all. "I remember that now! That was sweet!"  
  
Urd had to smack him on the back of the head to shut him up, but she too could barely keep a straight face. "Don't you see?" she scolded him. "This is why I brought you back here! This is why Kami-sama decided you deserve this treatment! Shinobu was your sweetheart, and yet until you met Lum and she left you, you treated her like toilet paper!"  
  
Meanwhile young Ataru strode into the kitchen, where Sakura was stirring up some batter, grumbling. Cherry lay asleep on the couch while "Gilligan's Island" played on the TV. "Hey Sakura-chan," Ataru greeted.  
  
"You know, it's impolite to call someone you barely know 'chan'," Sakura moodily advised him. "Oh, aren't you playing hide and seek with your little friends?"  
  
"We're actually playing Stealth," Ataru told her. "Don't tell anyone I'm here, okay?" He then rolled a Hot Wheels car strategically under Sakura's shapely legs. "Oh, could you get that for me?"  
  
"Sure thing," Sakura answered, bending down in her skirt. Once she had her back turned to him, Ataru went for the gold.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
A couple blocks away two Tomobiki policemen on the beat were sitting in their car at Yankee Doodle's All-American Diner waiting for the waitress to skate out with their order when they heard what sounded like a riot coming from the direction of Shinobu's house. "Blue Streaker, this is Lord of Disco. We've got what sounds like a riot or very large domestic disturbance coming from the vicinity of Manzakidori in Fujishima Ward," one of the cops said into his radio.  
  
"Manzakidori? Fujishima Ward? Sounds like the Miyake place again," the other one muttered. "Why can't her parents just put that kid on Ritalin or Prozac?"  
  
"You should see some of the people that hang out with her," answered his partner. "Now let's roll."  
  
Insane with rage as usual, Sakura was tossing just about anything available to her at the lecherous first grader- pots, pans, the kitchen table, the refrigerator, all the chairs, everything. Meanwhile poor Shinobu had wet her family's antique kimono, and grew so enraged that she burst out of the basement herself. After she was done pummeling Ataru, she started throwing more tables, the living room sofas (including the one with Cherry, who didn't budge an inch) the TV, some cars parked in the street, an elephant which she pulled out of nowhere, a diesel locomotive, the QE2, the Mir space station with some cosmonauts on it asking "Shto eto?", and the moon. By the time the cops arrived, her house was a flattened ruin. And as misfortune would have it, Shinobu's mom picked that moment to arrive home. "Great Amida Buddha!" gasped Mrs. Miyake. "Who did this?"  
  
"Well, uh…" began Sakura. But then Ataru spoke up.  
  
"It was him!" he yelled, pointing at Mendo. The rich snob, having just been released from the terrifying dungeon of the basement, stood there pale and shivering.  
  
"It-it-it-it-it's so d-d-d-d-dark…" he stammered, his eyes the size of car headlights.  
  
"Come along, then, son," one of the cops told him, taking him by the wrist. "Maybe some time in juvie'll straighten ya out."  
  
"Hmmf," snorted the other one, "it's Mendo's kid. "The rich just don't know how to raise kids right. Too much time in the boardroom, not enough time in their kids' room."  
  
"The experience so traumatized Mendo that he later underwent hypnosis to help him forget it. And, as I'm sure you know, he's still afraid of the dark to this day. And as for Shinobu's kimono, it was permanently stained," Urd concluded, having spirited Ataru back to his modern bedroom. "And that incident, of course, was just a drop in the bucket."  
  
"Jeez," said Ataru, "I never thought I screwed up Mendo that much. And as for Shinobu, if I'd have known she had to go right then, I wouldn't have locked her in the basement. I just wanted to…you know, have a little make-out session with Sakura for a bit, then I'd let her out."  
  
"Well," Urd responded, "evidently you do at least somewhat see girls as objects with feelings, if not very strong ones." Just then her watch buzzed. "Oh! My shift's over! My second youngest sister should be along soon to tell you about the present."  
  
"You mean like what presents I'm getting tomorrow?"  
  
"No, the present as in time. But for now, just try and keep what I said in mind. Bye!" Ataru's nose started bleeding again as he watched the Goddess of the Past climb onto her flying vacuum cleaner. He instantly started picturing her in an extremely thin G-string, dancing to Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls". How 'bout I just keep you in mind, he thought.  
  
"Hey, cut that out!" she snapped, swinging a mallet at his head. "I can read your thoughts, you know."  
  
"Uhh, yeah," Ataru answered. He tried to keep his mind blank until she was gone, and then went back to the image of her dancing in his head. It would beat visions of sugar plums any day. 


	3. Chapter 3

ATARU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL-Chapter Three  
  
The following characters are the creations of Rumiko Takahashi, Kosuke Fujishima, and (sort of)Charles Dickens. So don't blame me.  
  
  
  
Ataru woke up coughing, sometime in the middle of the night. He discovered to his disgust that he had been sleeping with his mouth open, and his tongue felt like cotton. Grumbling at his latest misfortune, he got up and went to the bathroom for a drink. As he sipped some tap water from the faucet, the mirror in front of him started rattling. Earthquake!, he thought, bracing himself in the doorway as taught by several safety instructors over the years. But nothing else fell or collapsed. Instead, the mirror glass seemed to bulge outwards, and Ataru screamed a bit as a pair of arms poked through the glass towards him! But his face lit up once he saw what they were attached to. Another attractive young woman, also clad in strange white robes with blue and orange triangular markings, literally came through the glass and perched on the sink rim like a bird. She was a bit more plain and conservative-looking than the previous one, with long feathery brownish-blond hair, and a pleasant face with glassy blue eyes and a warm smile. While not as white-hot and voluptuous as the last woman who flew up to him, she still seemed quite sweet nonetheless. She reminded him somewhat of Shinobu.  
  
"Greetings," she said. "I am Belldandy, Goddess of the Present, First Class, Unlimited. Kami-sama told me you needed a little straightening out, and so that's why I'm here tonight. But right now, is there anything I can do for you?"  
  
Ataru put on his devilish grin. "How 'bout give me your phone number and maybe go out for dinner and a movie sometime?"  
  
She giggled a bit. "I'm sorry, but I already have a steady boyfriend."  
  
"A goddess with a boyto…I mean boyfriend?" Ataru muttered. "Who is he, Thor or Buddha or Jesus or Krishna?"  
  
"Actually, he's a mortal college student at Nekomi Tech over in Chiba Prefecture."  
  
"Whaaaat?" Ataru felt like Kami-sama had played a pretty nasty trick on him this time. "A goddess babe like you starts going steady with a tech school nerdboy while all a stud like me can get is an immature, possessive Oni? The universe must hate me!"  
  
Belldandy lightly grabbed his chin and turned his head toward her. "No it doesn't, Mr. Moroboshi," she lectured, that content smile still on her face. "You just have to learn to take what comes your way. It's quite obvious to me that this girl sees something special in you. That's why she would do almost literally anything for you. In time she too will learn not to be so abusive, and to treat you as any loving wife should treat her man."  
  
"But she's nearly killed me eight times this past year alone!" Ataru groaned. "And besides that, I really have no feelings at all for her! We only met by accident, when…oh, you should know this! You're deities! You're watching us all the time, plus you're omniscient!"  
  
"Oh, I know about that episode," she continued. "But I met the love of my life quite unexpectedly as well. We were just children who met simply playing in a field. And the next time our paths crossed was completely by accident. He was…"  
  
"Jeez, spare me your life story," Ataru interrupted.  
  
"Well, what I'm trying to say is that great experiences can often come from the strangest twists of fate," she mused. "And by the way, less than a minute ago you seemed to be trying to make me fall in love with you. Wouldn't you want to hear about your true love's life, as she would likely wish to hear from you?"  
  
Ataru just blankly stared at Belldandy as he tried vainly to digest that information.  
  
"Do you care about true love?"  
  
"Well…I care about all women I see, and I would never purposely try to hurt one, but, well, I guess you know about my dreams of owning my own…heh heh…harem."  
  
She frowned slightly, and went "tsk tsk tsk." "Ataru-san, I have always believed there is good in everyone, no matter how despicable or immoral their ideas may be. I have made it my purpose as a heavenly being to bring out that good, let that inner light shine. But come with me now. I would like to show how you have affected Lum, and give you an idea of what true love is. Take my hand."  
  
Ataru did, and then saw with a surprise that she was getting ready to leap through the mirror. "Hey, hey! I'm not a god! I can't go through glass!"  
  
"Don't worry. When you take my hand after I say the spell, you'll be pulled along through the vortex. Now let's go!" The glass shimmered, and the goddess dragged the bewildered teenage boy through the glass.  
  
The two popped out through the mirror above Lum's desk, in her room back on her spaceship. It was decorated wall to wall with posters and photos of "Darling", including some photos of Ataru with such other girls as Shinobu, Sakura, and Ran, the heads of which Lum had replaced with her own. When they arrived, she had been taking them down and placing in a box labeled: TO CENTER OF JUPITER. But then she noticed one of her favorites, in which the whole gang from Onsen-Mark's class had gone to Tokyo Disneyland for the day. Of course, while posing for the photo in front of the Sleeping Beauty Castle, she had her arm around Darling, but…Darling had his arm around her! Ever since they had gotten that photo developed, Lum thought that perhaps Darling might be attracted to her after all, but now… The tears started streaming down her face again, and she buried her face in her sheets and broke down sobbing.  
  
"What's she bawling about now?" asked Ataru's invisible spirit.  
  
"She found that picture of you guys at Tokyo Disneyland," Belldandy told him. "When you put your arm around her, she thought you were trying to get closer to her. Ataru-san, are you sure you never had any feelings at all for Lum? What about that time when you traveled to her home planet to stop her arranged wedding?"  
  
"Well, uhh," Ataru babbled. Did he actually have feelings for her, but just not want to admit it?  
  
"Well, for now," Belldandy continued, "let me adjust the language settings of this vision. Lum's parents are coming." She pulled a small remote control out of her pocket labeled "Skuldtron" and tapped some buttons. "There. Now we'll be able to hear their Onian language conversation dubbed into Japanese." The door opened, and in walked Lum's parents, the Invaders.  
  
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry about how that Earth boy dumped you!" soothed her mom, sitting on the head of Lum's bed. Lum was crying uncontrollably now.  
  
"Just wait'll I get my hands on that little jerk!" her dad boomed, smacking a balled fist into his opposite palm.  
  
"Now Invader, dear, there's no reason to resort to violence."  
  
"He tore out my daughter's heart, I should be able to tear out his, my (Lum's mother's name cannot be pronounced by any Earth language)! And after all the dowry we were planning to send to his family!"  
  
Green yen signs appeared in the pupils of Ataru's eyes, and he began to drool like Niagara Falls. There was money in that deal?  
  
"Invader, dear," said Lum's mom, "isn't the Soylent Green Bowl on? Rigel 4 versus Tattooine?"  
  
"Oh yeah!" Invader remembered. "I've got 50 parseps on the Tuskans!" He then rushed downstairs while Lum's mom cuddled her hurt daughter.  
  
"Don't you worry. There's plenty of good men in this universe of ours. I…I could see if Rei's still interested in you."  
  
"I HATE Rei!" Lum sniffed.  
  
"Hmm, I've heard a Klingon duke has a nice son. You'd be royalty!"  
  
"No mom," Lum sobbed. "I…I loved Darling with all my heart. I loved him because he wasn't all stuffy and pretentious like those other guys you try to introduce me to, or brain-dead like Rei. He was just himself, and for all his problems, I just thought I could…make him into an ideal husband." She collapsed against her comely mom's shoulder as she began crying again. "Sh-shows h-h-how smart I am."  
  
"Honey, you aren't dumb. And trust me, there will someday be someone else just right for you."  
  
"No mom, if I can't have Darling, then I don't want anybody." Even Ataru himself had to gasp when he heard this statement. "I-I'm joining the Mongpoovian Order and taking a vow of celibacy. If Darling doesn't want me, then as Kami-sama is my witness, I will die a virgin."  
  
"Oh no, not the Mongpoovian Order!" gasped Ataru. He looked at Belldandy. "Uhh, who are they?"  
  
"Just a sect of solitary monks from Charon, Pluto's moon. But you've heard enough; they forbid procreation, and simply live on their own trying to seek enlightenment and God. Most of the members of their ranks are broken-hearted lovers trying to forget the troubles of their old lives and start anew." Belldandy's face turned frosty as she glared at Ataru. "Well, I hope you're happy. The girl who loved you but you couldn't stand is turning her back on the rest of the universe. Congratulations."  
  
"Lum dear," pleaded Lum's shocked mother. "A-are you sure about this? You'll never see your friends again, or get a chance to visit Earth…"  
  
"Darling was the only reason I ever liked visiting Earth," Lum answered. "The universe just seems so plain and empty now that he's gone from my life. I'm sorry, but I've already gotten the applications, and I plan to fill them out and send them off as soon as we get back to Uru."  
  
Now it was Lum's mom's turn to start crying. "Your father and I will only be able to visit you three times a year. W-we'll miss you, honey." And the two began bawling on each other's shoulders.  
  
Ataru felt bad enough knowing that he was the source of Lum's tears and decision to throw away her life, but seeing Lum's hot mother break down like that was heartrending. "No!" he screamed. "I don't love you, but I don't hate you or wish you were dead! I just said all those things to you tonight out of frustration! Oh, what the hell-I do love you, Lum Invader! Y-you're the only girl who ever saw past my nymphomania! Heck, you're the only girl who would jump in bed with me without getting drunk as a skunk first, or even talk to me! You do have something for me that no other woman can offer-complete, unquestioning devotion! Oh man, come back to my room and let's do it tonight! Heck, I'll even let you go on top!"  
  
"Umm, Ataru-san, she can't hear you, remember? You're just here in spirit form, invisible and inaudible."  
  
Sobbing, Ataru rested his head on Belldandy's shoulder, but this time not to "touch" her. "Oh great Goddess of the Present, I just can't take any more of this! Take me home, please!"  
  
"Very well, then. Here we go." And she took his arm and pulled him back through Lum's mirror into the Moroboshi's upstairs bathroom. "Well," the goddess continued, "you have proven to me that you do have some sympathy and devotion for others in you. You also seem to have realized that when life hands you a lemon, make lemonade, as the Americans say."  
  
"Uh, yeah." Ataru suddenly felt very lonely. It was the most romantic night of the year, and it seemed everyone had someone to spend it with except him. How grateful he would feel now for a certain bubbly, excitable alien girl dressed in a white-hot striped bikini… "So can I go to sleep now, or what?"  
  
"Actually, you still have one more appointment due," the goddess answered. "My little sister, the Goddess of the Future, should be along shortly."  
  
"Aww, come on! You already said I was…fixed!"  
  
"A bit," Belldandy continued. "But I can still detect some impurities in your aura which may resurface if you aren't fully treated tonight. Besides, my little sister has been aching for a chance to try out her newest invention." She smiled at him. "Believe me, you'll thank me for this later. Bye." And after waving to him, she vanished into the bathroom mirror.  
  
Ataru stood there for a bit, puzzled as to what was happening to him. Was he actually falling in love with Lum? Was he starting to realize that maybe it was only proper to love just one woman at a time? Was he actually starting to think about people besides himself? "I'll sleep on it," he muttered aloud, turning off the light and heading back to his bed. 


	4. Chapter 4

ATARU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL-Chapter Four  
  
By Andrew D. Johnson  
  
The following characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi and Kosuke Fujishima. By the way, they are also fictional. Any resemblance to any actual characters you know or have known, living or dead, means you should probably be committed to a mental hospital.  
  
Ataru was sound asleep once more when he was awoken by what sounded like a lightning storm. But how could that be; it was the middle of winter and there was snow on the ground! Then a car skidded across the street in front of his house. Probably just some driver who had too much sake eggnog, he thought, closing his eyes again and trying to get back to sleep. But only a few moments later, a shrill female voice bellowed into his ear, "WAKE UP!!!!" Jolted upright, he glanced around to see who the culprit might be. Sure enough, there in front of him was another girl in strange robes, with blue triangular and diamond-shaped markings on her cheeks and forehead. She was also rather pretty, but a bit young, only about 15 or so, while her other sisters must have been in their early 20s. She had long black hair branching into two ponytails, and large, energetic brown eyes.  
  
"Well?" she demanded. "It isn't my fault I have to work on Christmas Eve! Now c'mon, let's get this over with!"  
  
"Uhh, I guess you're the Goddess of the Future," Ataru reasoned.  
  
"Yep," she answered, showing her ID. "The name's Skuld. I'm also a master technician and inventor. In fact, we're gonna see my latest project. Oh goody!"  
  
She took him by the hand, and flew him out the window and down to the street below. Parked in front of the Moroboshi house was…an A.M.C. Gremlin from about the '70s. "Well? Get in!"  
  
"Umm, this is your invention? Looks more like the American Motor Company's."  
  
"You unimaginative dumbass!" she scolded him. "This is a time machine! We're gonna travel into your future!"  
  
"Wait, wait, wait," Ataru gasped. "Are you telling me you built a time machine? Out of a Gremlin?"  
  
"The car's slanted rear aides the dispersal of the flux particles which open a passage in the time-space continuum," Skuld explained. "And besides, if you're going to design a time machine out of a car, why not do it with some cuteness? Don't you think this car's so cute?" she cooed, hugging it.  
  
O-kay. This girl claimed to be a genius, yet she seemed to have a rather asinine hang-up on cute things. A few cylinders short of a V-8, he thought. Not wasting any more time, he climbed in. "Okay, I've seen the 'Back to the Future' movies," Ataru said. "I guess you have to speed up to 88 MPH to time-warp."  
  
"Well, since this is a Gremlin," she answered, "I decided on 65. It is a vintage, compact economy car, and all this city mileage is murder on the resale value."  
  
"You mean a crudbucket like this actually has a resale value?" Ataru scoffed.  
  
She whapped him on the head with a mallet she had sticking out of her back pocket. "Don't make me cram a Skuld Bomb down your throat! Now let's go." She pressed some beeping buttons on a control panel to the left of the dash.* "Hmm, Urd took you 10 years into the past, so what say we travel a decade into the future!"  
  
"Yeah, cool!" Ataru gasped. "I'm gonna be a rich rock star with a million groupies, right? Or I'm gonna become the Japanese Hugh Hefner, right?"  
  
Skuld smiled devilishly at him. "Oh, I don't know about that yet. This is the first time I've taken this machine into the future. I actually originally built it so I could give my mom a birth control pill before conceiving Urd, so she wouldn't be born, and eventually get drunk and break the perpetual motion machine I had been working on when I was ten." Her face had been turning angrier as she said that last sentence, and as she finished it she looked like she would explode. "But then Belldandy reminded me that if I gave our mom birth control pills so that Urd wouldn't be conceived, then she and I would also never be born. So I've been using it mostly for trips to the dinosaur era and the samurai period." She lit up once more. "I've been looking forward to going to the future so much! Yippee!"  
  
"Awright already, let's gooooooooooo!" Ataru screamed as Skuld hit the gas after setting the time circuits. The car then rocketed down the city streets.  
  
*Remember, in Japan they drive on the left.  
  
Three bright thunderclaps resounded in the air of Christmas Eve as Skuld's time-traveling A.M. Gremlin screeched into the vacant lot down the street from the Moroboshi house. "Push hard on the door, there's ice on it!" Skuld told Ataru. A bit dazed, he staggered a bit and took a look around at the world of the future.  
  
"Jeez, they still haven't sold this lot yet," the lecherous boy remarked. Just then he noticed why. A familiar, ragged hut sat in a corner of the lot. Cherry was still alive? How old was that sakurambo? As he stood there wondering, an older Sakura came up to the hut and rapped on the door-or at least the rag he used as a door. She was now in her late 30s, nearing the crest of the hill, but was still quite gorgeous.  
  
"Uncle!" she called, "aren't you coming to the Mendo's Christmas party? Shuutaro-san says that although he'd rather not have you in his mansion, you'll probably just sneak in somehow and crash the party. Besides, he feels it's only honorable to repay us for all those exorcisms we performed on him and those other brats."  
  
"Feh!" grunted Cherry as he emerged from the hut. Except for a white, chest-length beard and a Santa hat for the season, the freaky old monk looked as gruesome as ever. "See if I ever exorcise his house again, the insolent youth. He could probably hire the Ghostbusters themselves."  
  
"Who are you to complain about that?" she retorted. "We both own shares in Ghostbusters, Inc., and it hasn't gone down once since Donald Trump was elected president of America."  
  
"Oh, just quit talking and let's go," Cherry muttered.  
  
As the two left, Ataru and Skuld both noticed a light in the sky, descending steadily toward the ground. As it approached, it turned out to be a spaceship! But it was one unlike any Ataru had seen before. The front end had an odd shape with what looked like long ears on top. Almost like a rabbit's head. And at the rear was a bulbous projection like a rabbit's cotton tail. Was this Inaba's ship? A breeze billowed the shrubs, garbage, and Cherry's hut all around the lot and kicked up a thick cloud of dust. Then a mechanical buzzing sounded at the door hatch, and some figures emerged from the bright light within. Sure enough, there were an adult Shinobu and Inaba, dressed in the ceremonial rabbit costumes of the Destiny Production Bureau. But behind them…There were Lum and someone else Ataru couldn't recognize. He was a humanoid like Inaba, also wearing a rabbit suit, but his hair was brown and a bit longer. "Here we are on Earth, Darling," she told her escort.  
  
She was calling this other guy Darling? "Hey Lum, what about me?" Ataru screamed, forgetting that she couldn't hear him.  
  
"Come, children, we'll be late for the party!" called Lum.  
  
"Coming, mommy!" answered two voices. Out of the ship came a boy and a girl, clad in both tiger-striped outfits and wearing rabbit suits. Sticking out from under the bunny hats, Ataru noticed the girl had green hair and looked a lot like a younger version of Lum, while the boy had brown, like the guy she was with…  
  
"What the hell?" gasped Ataru. "Who is that guy?"  
  
Inaba meanwhile laughed at something Shinobu had told him. With their auburn-haired, rabbit-suited daughter in hand, he talked to the guy escorting Lum, who seemed to be a close acquaintance of his. "Ah brother," answered the other guy, "I sure am glad you married an Earth girl, so we could have an opportunity to visit Earth once in a while. It truly is a beautiful planet."  
  
"I do agree. But, umm, didn't your wife used to have a boyfriend from this very city?"  
  
"Yeah," whispered Shinobu into the other man's ear, "but she doesn't like to talk about it." Sure enough, Lum's face had turned from cheerful and bubbly to sour and cold at the sound of Inaba's question.  
  
"Let's just go," she muttered, frowning.  
  
"WHAAAAAAT????" Ataru screamed, furious now. "She-she-she married that rabbit-suited freak? I thought she was gonna become a nun on Charon!"  
  
"Yes, originally, but she met Inaba's brother at the Galactic Record Archives office and it was love at first sight. Okay, maybe a little of it had to do with the fact that she probably would have fallen for Osama bin Laden himself, given her post-breakup depression, but eventually she was enraptured by his kindness. Now, as you can see, they're married with two lovely children."  
  
"Th-then, what's happened to me?" he stammered, feeling rather ill.  
  
"Well, let's head over to your house and find out," Skuld answered.  
  
Meanwhile, Shinobu, Inaba, Lum, and Inaba's brother met up with Megane and his wife or girlfriend, Ataru couldn't tell. "Say," whispered Shinobu so that Lum wouldn't hear, "would you mind if Inaba and I paid a quick visit to Ataru Moroboshi? I haven't seen or heard from him for years, and I would like to at least see how he's doing. I'd also like to introduce him to our daughter, Aya."  
  
"Ataru?" scoffed Megane. "You mean the guy who took his life and flushed it completely down the toilet? Mr. Loser?"  
  
"Megane!" Shinobu yelled, "Ataru-san may have his problems in life, but…"  
  
"Hello, hello, anybody home?" Lum yelled, whacking her on the head with her mallet. "Think, Miyake, think! That lecherous, filthy, SCUMBAG can rot in his own filth for all I care! I don't even remember what I ever saw in him!" Even so, Ataru could see tears running down her cheeks.  
  
"Ah, what say we just go, Lum-chan," said Inaba's brother nervously.  
  
After they left, Ataru was visibly shaken. "Problems in life? What sort of problems do I have in life? Where am I in this future world?"  
  
Skuld pointed across the street to the Tomobiki Cemetery. "Gahh!" he shrieked. "Y-y-you mean I'm dead?"  
  
"No, look up, stupid," Skuld told him. He did, and sure enough, just over the horizon of tombstones he could see the familiar lines of his house. Needless to say, he was quite relieved when they began driving towards there.  
  
The Moroboshi house looked rather older and shabbier now. Ataru's dad still seemed to be driving the same car, and also the house was coated with graffiti. It read words like: "LOSER! FAT BOY! You made Lum-chan cry, now you die! ATARU CARTMAN!" Then the meaning began to sink in. "Wait a second. Are you telling me that after 10 years, I'm still living with my parents??"  
  
"Well, let's just see," Skuld replied. She took him by the hand, and they both flew up to Ataru's room. What he saw inside almost gave him a heart attack anyway, though.  
  
"Oh my God!" he howled. "I-I-I-I'm HUGE!!!!" Sure enough, Ataru lay in his bed, about the size of Elvis in his last years. Since he obviously couldn't fit into any shirts or pants, he was clothed in a Hawaiian- flowered muumuu. Right now he was munching on a bucket of Kantake Fried Chicken and watching a "Love Hina" marathon.  
  
"Oh man, I wish I was that guy," he bubbled, biting into a crispy drumstick. "If I was in charge of a girl's dorm, I'd add a dress code where all girls have to wear thong bikinis for uniforms." He turned reminiscent for a bit. "Hmm, kinda reminds me of a girl I used to know…Who was she? Ah, who cares." He continued wolfing down fried chicken.  
  
The Kotatsu Cat was still there, playing solitaire at Ataru's old kotatsu, when his stomach growled. He turned to Ataru and meowed for some chicken. "No Kotatsu Kitty, that's my fried chicken!" The cat mewed at him again. "No, Mr. Kotatsu Kitty, that's a bad Kotatsu Kitty! You stay nyah!" To which the cat just frowned at him and had another sip of tea. "Mommm!" yelled the future Ataru. "I want some more Cheesy Poofs!"  
  
"Yes, Ataru dear?" she answered. "Oh, we just ran out. I'll get some more for you tomorrow." She left his room and met Ataru's dad in the hallway, where they both collapsed crying into each others' arms. "Oh honey," she groaned, "where did we go wrong? Why did our boy have to dump that alien girl and give up on life?"  
  
"Hey, I'm the one who has to earn the money to provide for him!" answered Mr. Moroboshi.  
  
"Perhaps if we hadn't insulted him all those years, he would have actually found a nice girl and made something of himself," his mom sobbed. "Oh let's face it. No girl except that nice alien could even stand his personality."  
  
"She was the only one as annoying as he could be," his dad responded. "And now I've got to tell the people at work that I'm raising an obese kid!"  
  
"Stop, stop!" Ataru sobbed. "I don't wanna be an obese blimp like that! Heck, I'd rather marry Lum than die a virgin any day, especially a fat, Cartman-like virgin! Please don't let this be my fate, oh great Goddess of the Future!"  
  
"Well see," explained Skuld, "that's the beauty of the future. It is whatever you make it, so you've gotta make it a good one. And I can see you're eager to change your destiny."  
  
"You bet I am!" he sobbed. "Oh please, your Holiness, please take me back to my own time! Let me change my ways!"  
  
"Well, okay. You seem to have learned your lesson." And she led him back to the time machine, and the two soon arrived at Ataru's home in the present time. Skuld bid him "Merry Christmas", and was soon on her way.  
  
Ataru had set his clock radio early, so he might be able to sneak a look at his presents. He awoke at 6 AM that morning to the sound of "Sweet Cherry Pie" by Warrant. Rubbing his eyes, he stood up and looked out the window. "What day is it?" he yawned.  
  
"Whoy sah, todie is Christmiss Die," answered a little Cockney boy dressed in ragged clothing.  
  
"Christmas Day?" he gasped. "Yahoo! A chance for a new start!" He joyfully ran down the hall announcing to his parents, "Wake up, everyone, today is Christmas Day!"  
  
The Moroboshi parents groggily headed down the stairs. "Ataru-chan, we were up rather late last night. Don't you think it would be polite to let us sleep a bit more?"  
  
"Sorry guys, but there's something I have to do early this morning."  
  
As they sat by the tree opening presents, Lum and Ten flew in. "Sorry to interrupt you this morning, but there was something I had to do." Her eyes and face were blotchy and red from crying.  
  
Ataru instantly ran up to her and embraced her tightly. "Oh Lum-chan, I'm so sorry about how I yelled at you last night! But…I dreamed that three spirits who claimed to be goddesses showed me the error of my ways! Now I've discovered that you are truly the best thing ever to happen to me! I LOVE YOU, LUM-CHAN!!!"  
  
Tears began running down Lum's cheeks again, but this time out of happiness. "Oh Darling," she sobbed. "I-I had a similar dream, one in which the spirits convinced me to treat you a little less harshly and to be less possessive. They told me that love and marriage are based on trust and respect, not captivity. I-I promise I won't hurt you any more, Darling."  
  
Ataru's parents broke down crying themselves. "Something must have been at work last night," Mrs. Moroboshi said. "We too were instructed to be a bit more respectful, Ataru-chan."  
  
"W-we're not sorry we had you," Mr. Moroboshi continued, smiling.  
  
"And now," Ataru announced. He knelt and presented the rings from the felt box to the beautiful alien girl. "Lum Invader, will you marry me?"  
  
"Oh Darling," Lum cooed, squeezing him tight. "Yes! As soon as we get out of high school!" She then planted a firm kiss on his face.  
  
Where his dad would have cracked a joke about how he would never finish school, he then just chimed in, "Congratulations, son! Just work hard to pass your classes this year, eh?" He then gave his son an encouraging nudge.  
  
"Well," Ten happily commented, "this sure seems like a nice way to end this story! But something's missing…"  
  
"Yeah," Ataru muttered. "Something doesn't seem right."  
  
"Something seems…unfinished," Lum added.  
  
Outside, a meteor landed on a small boy clad in an orange hooded overcoat, killing him instantly. "No, not that," Ataru said. "That's not even in the right show!"  
  
"Oh, I remember!" tiny Ten shouted. "Kami-sama bless us everyone!"  
  
Meanwhile, over in Chiba Prefecture, a college student named Keiichi was opening his presents. His girlfriend Belldandy, Goddess of the Present was still asleep, Skuld was tucking away some eggnog ice cream, and Urd was chugging a liter bottle of Holiday Special eggnog sake. "Jeez," he asked them. "You gals are acting like you haven't recharged in about a month. What did you do last night?"  
  
"Well, let's just say, a goddesses' work is never done," Urd slurred between gulps. "You got anymore Demon Dance in the cupboard, K1?"  
  
  
  
Author's Note: I note a lot of people found this story rather unpopular. But I in no way meant to attach it to the worlds of "Urusei Yatsura" and "Oh My Goddess". I just wanted to disguise it as another popular story, as did Scrooge McDuck and the Disney gang, the Animaniacs, and many other cartoon and TV characters. I was originally thinking of doing a crossover between either "OMG" and "Back to the Future" or perhaps "UY" and "It's a Wonderful Life", but then I thought this version might make more sense. Maybe I might attempt the above two ideas someday. But now that I'm done, all I can say is that I'm sorry some people just didn't care for it, and I give thanks to those who read and actually liked it. Okay, so I give thanks to everyone who read it. 


End file.
